So… a little while ago I found this insane article about author Sherrilyn Kenyon, a.k.a. the author who sued Cassie Clare for plagiarism and was SHOT DOWN. I have read the legal docs and this lady is… well, just read the ARTICLE and you will understand.
This post came about because there was this little tidbit that confused the hell out of me and Loretta @ Laughing Listener. After reading this we decided we HAD to read what was sure to be high-level entertainment. So below is a Joint Post with Loretta!
Hip and dark and snarky, they stood out both for the intricacy and ambition of Kenyon’s world-building and the dirty inventiveness of her sex scenes. In one passage, the heroine’s cat allergy becomes an issue when she goes down on a half-feline “were-hunter.” She sneezes but perseveres.
Without further ado… here are my thoughts on this monstrosity.
omg this opens with Beowulf
I’m super annoyed that a cat is named Raven
Top secret poison moths???
Did he just say? YEP. He did… that’s racist.
Excuse me but she HATES cats
She reminds him of a “no-nonsense Mennonite woman?” HARD NO DOUCHEBAG
She compared him to Ted Bundy and that pleases me.
She is straight ogling him and she likes his HANDS. There is a strange naked man in your house…
“Boy I’m not your bitch or your hoe. You don’t order me around.” MOOD
So she can casually swordfight like a boss?
Otto and his grouchiness is amazing serial killer goals
Appalights are vampires… but also I keep thinking of apples
OOHHH Kyle is in trouble
Oh yeah she can totally drive like in the movies. ugh.
Like you need to strip for me and I will not be shamed for wanting that to be realistic.
oh god. this BJ just made him decide he wants to get to know her.
Oh great. he does NOTHING for her. She does the BJ, the IMPALING and then he gets his powers going.
I’M OVER IT
“Now let me show you how a cat makes love to a woman.” – This is an audio book and I just have to applaud this man for being such a good actor. he didn’t break character at all.
He can just manifest a stake?
Wait… someone turned into a golden shower? ew
I’m angry at how they pronounce Daemon because I just keep thinking of Damon Salvatore and it’s distracting AF…
“Terrence, kill the bitch and take her soul.” IS A MOOD
Law of the Jungle…
He “thinks he loves her” and she is PISSED.
“Why are you so angry? I’m trying to die here for you, nobly.”
“Then you should have just dropped dead and not opened your mouth to piss me off.” DYING
Every time I hear leopard form, i’m sure he is really just a housecat.
“Hugely tall” is not a good descriptor.
No one should wear wrap-around sunglasses.
Are they having a brother moment now? What is happening???
If they didn’t mate soon, he would be neutered… WHAT. This is dumb
I’m just jumping RIGHT into book nine in this series to get to the good stuff. And by “good stuff” I mean the freaky times with a were-cat.
Oh my god they legit just used the line “revenge is a dish best served cold.” Wow.
Good. Our protagonist is a guy with “no humanity left in him” so thank god a woman will come along and CHANGE HIM WITH LOVE.
Wait. Mount Olympus was just mentioned??
Now we’re in Seattle 2006. Wtf????
And NOW there’s talk of killer poisonous moths????
Her boss is named Leo and he is a PEACH.
Sue is following a lead for a story on an “immortal shape-shifting warrior.” IT’S HAPPENING.
Ahhhhhhh he can only withstand daylight in cat form!! Idk why I find this utterly hilarious.
“The Immortal Cat Man of Pike’s Market” ∗Laughs for an eternity∗
That’s also the name of my new bad.
Hahaha he’s a house cat!! I don’t know why I thought he would be a giant ass panther or something, but this immortal warrior dude is trapped in a tiny kitty.
He got thrown in an animal shelter because he tried to get with a passing sex goddess. I can’t make this shit up.
Cat boy’s name is Ravyn. WITH A Y. This is the exact amount of drama I was hoping for.
Wtf. There are Dark-Hunters, Were-Hunters, and Arcadian Were-Hunters??? There are also Appalites??? What are these terms? This is what I get for diving right into book 9.
OMG stop complaining about not being an investigative reporter anymore Sue!! MOVE ON. EMBRACE LIFE. #YOLO
Oh wow, we’re going over different hell realms now. I’m lost y’all.
Now there’s a guy named Stryker in some hell realm… who’s a King??? And he’s trying to kill the Dark-Hunters for some reason?? Which I’m suspecting is what our were-cat is??
STRYKER JUST USED HIS CELL PHONE IN HELL TO MAKE A CALL. How does he even have coverage?! What company does he use??
Literally no idea what anyone is talking about. I barely have a grasp on this plot.
Sue’s friend Jimmy is giving her a warning and telling her to leave town, but OMG COULD HE BE ANYMORE FUCKING VAGUE ABOUT IT.
“Irritation at her aside, she was rather cute in a girl-next-door kind of way. Not a knockout by any means, but wholesomely pretty. With dark blond hair and bright blue eyes, she looked like she should be on a farm somewhere, tending a dozen or so kids. There was something about her that reminded him of a no-nonsense Mennonite woman.” Ummmm??????????????
Ravyn the kitty turned into a leopard turned into a naked dude. What a day.
Nothing like ogling the naked man laying motionless in your living room even though he was a full on lightning-shooting leopard two seconds before.
Omg she’s trying to rationalize A CAT TURNING INTO A LEOPARD TURNING INTO A MAN.
Oh boy. Homegirl is hysterically laughing and has gone coo coo for Coco Puffs.
“He didn’t like being around people he didn’t know. Then again, he didn’t like being around people he did know either.” MOOD.
Cat boy has an assistant that he keeps calling “squire.” I can’t y’all.
OHHHHHHH sleazy boss Leo is a supernatural!! This actually explains a lot. Bet his douchebag ass is a vampire.
I don’t know what’s happening, but cat boy is biting the crap out of a fake cop’s neck.
“You don’t knock on the devil’s door boys unless you want him to answer.” REALLY??
Idiot Sue is now convinced that she’s in a coma and this is all part of a delusion.
“What are you?”
“The only hope you got.” SERIOUSLY MAN?? STOP SPEAKING IN ACTION FLICK.
Update: squire is not a nickname for Ravyn’s assistant. I guess squires are just normal humans who know about the supernatural world and have to help the Dark-Hunter dudes??? I’m upset about this turn of events.
Appolites are a race of beings from ATLANTIS who were created by the god Apollo. After turning on Apollo and killing his wife and children, he cursed the appolites to die on their 27th birthday.
Daemons are appolites who have sucked the soul out of a human in order to elongate their life.
I. CANNOT. MAKE. THIS. SHIT. UP.
Apparently sleazy boss Leo is a super important squire guy. I don’t understand how he A) has friends B) isn’t a douchebag vampire.
So much fighting. I don’t even know what’s happening.
Okay, now they’re on Mount Olympus. Wtf?? The very casual mention of gods and goddesses in this book is so jarring.
Apparently Asher, the head Dark-Hunter, is trapped being a sex slave to Artemis on Mount Olympus….. I just… My brain is so tired.
OMG RAVYN’S BEEN DRUGGED. Now he’s basically a man-cat high on catnip and it’s GREAT. He was just singing itsy bitsy spider.
Ahhhhh now he’s trying to pee and there are so many litter box jokes ∗Cackles∗
NOW they just casually referenced Tartarus. Is this the same as the hell realm mentioned earlier? You know, the one with good cell phone reception? Or is this an additional hell realm?? Y’ALL I’M SO CONFUSED.
There’s a whole complicated mating system with gods and magic symbols and life forces and I am SO GODDAMN TIRED. WHY IS EVERYTHING SO COMPLICATED???
If Sue describes Ravyn as beautiful one more fucking time I might throw my phone out a window.
“It actually dawned on me that I don’t fight. I just kill whatever annoys me and it’s over.”If I were a giant hulking badass immortal warrior dude, this would totally be my vibe.
Reason for not starting a series at book nine, reason #57: there are like, five subplots happening that I think I’m supposed to be invested in, but I don’t understand AT ALL.
Sue is now romanticizing the movie Urban Cowboy. Really?? Of ALL the movies???
Omg they’re finally getting it on. IT’S HAPPENING. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hearing this book try to be sexy while she’s having an allergy attack is AMAZING. He literally makes her skin itch but somehow it’s no big deal??
Oh wow they’re naked already. Don’t know when that happened.
The descriptions of this sex scene y’all, I can’t. I’m laughing SO HARD. I would give you a direct quote if I didn’t feel so gross typing the words out.
Me waiting for the reveal that they’re mates:
Mad respect for this narrator who somehow managed to get a clip of audio without laughter.
Oh god. A Dark-Hunter guy is turning evil to save his lady. THE DRAMA.
There’s a Dark-Hunter meeting happening and it seems like the start of a really bad joke. “A were-cat, a texan, a Nubian priest, and a dragon walk into a bar…” (I’m not entirely kidding. Those are all people present at this meeting).
A guy named Troy just died and I think I’m supposed to be shocked…
Some Dark-Hunter named Nick is talking about “what happened in New Orleans” and it’s like I’m listening to a conversation in Simlish.
This is all sooooo dramatic and I do NOT care.
Ravyn’s getting all hot and bothered because Sue is sitting cross-legged. Yeah SO SEXY when she’s sitting like a normal person ∗rolls eyes∗
After that character Nick went on a five minute tirade about why everyone’s an idiot because they’re falling into a trap, it ended up being a trap. ∗Sighs aggressively∗
Oh my fucking god, this emo guy Nick REALLY needs a puppy or a hug or something.
Reason for not starting a series at book nine, reason #84: this is getting wicked boring because I’m supposed to care about more characters and don’t give two craps.
WHY IS EVERYTHING IN THIS UNIVERSE SO COMPLICATEDDDDD?!?!?!?!
I feel like Kresley Cole read this series and was like “bitch hold my beer” and then wrote Immortals After Dark (which is far superior).
Dear god, will the mating mark just pop up already?? I KNOW cat boy and Sue are mates. It’s coming. Put me out of my misery already.
THERE IT IS. FUCKING FINALLY.
Aaaaaaand now they’re being idiots about it. ∗Facepalm∗
There’s a character in this book that knows everything. Literally everything about everyone and everything around him. How do you even function with that kind of knowledge?? I would stay at home eating cheese puffs and never leave the house.
Only absorbing about 20% of this now. I just want this to end and I’ve come too far to quit now. I CAN DO THIS. Cue the movie montage of me working out like in Rocky.
WHAT?? OMG. IF YOUR WIFE CALLS TO TELL YOU NOT TO COME HOME THEN YOU FUCKING DON’T COME HOME. Or at the very least, you don’t just STROLL THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
Oh wow, so he’s real dead now. This is soooooo dramatic.
Wait, no. False alarm. They were brought back to life magically somehow. My brain is so tired. I don’t know what’s happening.
Cat boy is sacrificing himself to save her and said “I think I love you” and she is actually angry at him for using the word “think.” Omg.
“YOU THINK?? YOU DON’T KNOW???” Hahahahahahaha
The bad guy is wearing wrap around sunglasses and I am DYING. Just in case you weren’t sure who the bad guy is…
They survived. Now they’re doing the “mating ritual” ∗conspicuously winks∗ and she’s STILL SNEEZING BECAUSE SHE’S ALLERGIC TO HIM. And also sexually rubbing his ears???? Is that a cat thing?
NO. THERE’S ANOTHER CHAPTER. I THOUGHT MY SUFFERING WAS OVER.
Oh snap, there’s been a betrayal. If they had given emo Nick a puppy like I suggested earlier, this could have been avoided.
Dear god, there’s an epilogue. It never ends. I’m going to be trapped in this book forever. REMEMBER ME FRIENDS.
IT’S OVER. I’M SAVED. OH THANK GOD. ∗Weeps tears of joy∗
I’m gonna so sleep for two days and pretend this book doesn’t exist.
I hope you enjoyed this pure nonsense.