By: Tessa Dare
#1 in Girl Meets Duke Series | 389 Pages | Pub. 2017
The Duchess Deal at a Glance
- Overall Rating: ★★★
- Heroine: Fuck it, I’ll bring a cat
- Dude: I want a unicorn to vomit on him
- Steaminess: Hate Steam.
- Funny: Remember pizza rat? This one’s even better
Pairs Well With
The Duchess Drinking Game (est. 2018)
Take a shot of whiskey every time Ash says something offensive to Emma. Ta-da! You’re drunk.
Beware. Spoilers are coming…
I’m not sure if I’m laughing, crying, or flying into a rage as I suit up my armor to go kick some misogynistic ass. This book. Guys. This book basically made my emotions play musical chairs and I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about it. Never have I ever gone from an Aelin-esque killing rage to rolling on the floor laughing in the space of two sentences but I guess that’s the beauty of this book.
The only reason I enjoyed this book was Emma and Breeches. Because honestly it was less of a romance story and more of a horror story featuring a misogynistic asshat.
“You’re a wife. You’re not supposed to enjoy this, you’re supposed to lie there and endure it.”
Ash insults Emma pretty much every page of this book. Yeah, in the end he turns out fine but I’m not the kind of girl that can get past someone comparing me to a inbred broodmare and calling my work “unicorn vomit.” He admits for 85% of the book that he has no regard for her feelings and treats her like a prostitute for 85% of the book. This dude is the poster boy for needing some serious therapy.
“But we’re supposed to be procreating. I can’t make your mouth pregnant.”
While Dare’s sex scenes are *steamy* I just can’t appreciate steaminess when the dude is just out to fertilize his “broodmare” and ship her off to the countryside. Hard no & I flew into a rage multiple times at this dude. At no point did I forgive him for his asshatery.
“Tonight, Emma would be her own fairy godmother, her own dashing prince. Even her own knight in shining armor.”
But Emma, my new queen of sass, does not put up with this dude’s asshatery. She admits her feelings and when Ash doesn’t live up to expectations she walks away. From the get-go Emma is plotting how to make this guy’s life hard. Her master plan? Bring a cat! And not just any cat – a mangly, semi-evil stray that she off the fly names Breeches and has as one of the witnesses to their wedding. QUEEN.
“Breeches leapt onto the table, sank his teeth into the steamed trout, and absconded with it before either of them could say a word.”
I’m pretty sure I almost choked laughing at that one. Breeches is pure genius. Plus, the scene where Ash sits for FOUR hours trying to lure the cat out had me in stitches. Same, dude, same.
Also, I 100% want to join Emma’s spinster group of friends. Low-key I would be the chick with basically a zoo of rescue animals in her home – including an otter named Hubert.
This book is a good if you want a good laugh and not a swoon worthy hero to drool over (but might want to punch).
This book was a very confusing read for me. I wanted to throw my phone most of the time, but then Emma would make me laugh so hard that I wanted to read about her. I have never gone from anger to laughter so many times in a novel.
Ash is the equivalent of that frat guy at a party who has a dad bod, but thinks he is the hottest thing ever because he has a fancy car. You suck bro. I actually hated him. I know the theme of the story is to redeem the guy and happily ever after, taming the monster etc. I say no to all of that. Ash was a punk ass who needs to be castrated. Emma needed to put that bitch in his place (the looney bin) because he was certifiable. I like overbearing men to be perfectly honest, but this was not tolerable. My notes were a thing of beauty including the timeless quotes:
“Marry him and bury him in the backyard Emma”
“Go fuck yourself bro.”
I also said “what a dick!” no less than four times. Ladies and gentlemen, he is a keeper.
“All you have to do is lie back in the dark, then spend nine months swelling up like a tick. What could possible deter any woman from accepting?”
I’m speechless. I honestly don’t care if he got over it and loved her in the end. Nope. Not fucking okay ever.
Now Emma, she had me laughing so hard. She did put Ash in his place a bunch of times, but her slowly backing away from him had me spitting out my wine.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have slowly done anything. I would have ran as fast as humanly possible from that jerkoff. But poor Emma is stuck in her situation and pretty much has to marry this douchenozzle. I truly appreciated her insistence on calling him every ridiculous pet name in the book and not backing down on it. Making fun of Ash is her true calling in life and I continued reading solely for that purpose.
“If you don’t know the difference between a woman’s fingers and her womb, I would definitely not share a bed with you.”
Yaasss! I bow down to the bitch queen Emma. She had me crying so much that I almost had to redo my eyeliner.
All in all it wasn’t a bad read because I laughed, but If you have a low tolerance for assholes then this book will make you break something hulk style.
Let us know what you thought about Duchess Deal in the comments!