By: LJ Shen
Midnight Blue At a Glance
- Overall Rating: ★
- Dude Ranking: A drug addict version of Russell Brand from Forgetting Sarah Marshall
- Steaminess: As unsteamy as a pap smear
- Brutality: Reading this hurt my soul
Pairs Well With
- 1/2 oz Bacardi rum
- 1/2 oz caramel syrup
- 1/4 oz Goldschlager cinnamon schnapps
Beware. Spoilers are coming…
Holy crap, I hated this book. I don’t even know where to begin with my review because this whole book was a hotter mess than me after five margaritas. I can’t think of a single redeeming factor in this entire 367 page shit show.
I normally like rockstar romances but Alex Winslow was basically the rockstar version of Joffrey Baratheon and I found myself thinking the whole book “where is Lady Olina when you need her?” This f*ckhead has messed up his entire life with his drug and alcohol abuse and yet his ego is bigger than Trump’s which is a gift, honestly.
“‘I apologize in advance.’ He [Alex] cocked his head to the side. ‘For?’ ‘Ruining you for any other man on this planet.’” -Alex Winslow, pg. 159
“The one where I make you come so hard you’ll need a spine transplant because i’ll turn you into goo.” -Alex Winslow, pg. 195.
The whole book centers around his using the main female character Indigo as his new “drug” (because he doesn’t want anyone else to have “his toy”) as he plots his revenge on his ex-fiance and so he can “re-collect” her. Alex openly admits in his inner dialogue that he is using Indigo (Stardust or Indie) and at one point he admits to only liking her because he broke his precious guitar.
“Now that Tania [guitar] was gone, Stardust was my main instrument. And it saddened me, because I knew I had to break her, too.” -Alex Winslow, 262.
There was literally no romantic part to this book unless you count that he gives Indie an ice-pack after accidentally giving her a black eye. *swooning like an 19th century lady.* But the real swoon-worthy cherry on top of this romantic shit show pie comes in Alex’s email to win Indie back:
“I wank to our Polaroids a lot. I haven’t touched anyone since you left. Okay. Full disclosure: I cupped a tit while taking a photo with a fan. But she’d just had a boob job, and it was for her birthday. And I didn’t enjoy it all.” Alex Winslow, pg. 302
Move over Mr. Darcy, cuz damn Alex Winslow just stole my heart with that one. (Lawl, I couldn’t even type that without choking.)
But that’s not all because all the other characters in this “novel” (read: shitshow) are equally awful. Get ready for this cause its about to be a bumpy, fucked up ride, folks. It turns out that the whole reason Indie’s life is in the garbage is because Alex’s ex-fiance kills her parents, while Alex covers up the crime (he doesn’t know who she killed though, so it’s “fine”), and Alex’s sworn nemesis Will knows about the crime and who was killed so out of guilt he stalks Indie and her family for years (but lets their lives go down the drain, including letting a 2 year old baby live in pain without ear tubes). Instead, of helping Indie and her family, or you know reporting the crime to the authorities, he gathers Alex’s entourage and they come up with a plot to “save” Alex by “giving” him Indie as a babysitter. So basically, they throw Indie to the big bad fucked up wolf and let her experience even more torture and heartbreak while leaking dick pics of Alex and other equally messed up things. And in the end Indie decides to be friends with these fuckers and marry Alex? Who skips the birth of their kid to go to the Grammys? I’d pay serious monies to see a video of Chrissy Teigen eviscerating John for even thinking of skipping the birth of a child for the Grammys.
I don’t know what I did to Teagan to force me to read this monstrosity. Honestly, I thought we were friends before this. My first text to her was “This book hurts my soul and I have only read the prologue.”
There were too many inconsistencies, typos, and illogical tangents for me to continue reading past the prologue. I pressed on because I love a good trainwreck just like the next twisted person.
I take back anything I said about wanting descriptions. I need someone to explain to me how someone can smell “like a new obsession.” We all love a good metaphor, but for me, Midnight Blue has ruined them. Every single thing was explained in ridiculous detail. What do I mean by ridiculous detail you might ask?
“I’d bought the ingredients.
I’d baked the pie.
I was going to eat the fucking pie.
All of it. Every single crumb and lick of filling. Mine.” – Alex Winslow, pg. 10
This man is just a poet. Alex gave us solid gold in jeggings. Yep, he admitted to wearing jeggings on multiple occasions. I can’t think of anything sexier. Maybe Borat’s green bathing suit.
A few of my favorite Alex moments:
“…making me want to stuff my fingers into her mouth and take out those little sounds and put them in my pocket.” – Alex Winslow, pg. 130
“My love for you is like a studded leather jacket worn inside out. It digs into my chest, eager to produce blood.” – Alex Winslow, pg. 314
Yes Alex, you got me. I want nothing more than to be compared to an inside out jacket. You stud, you.
Our heroine, Indie, was just as frustrating, but less ridiculous than Alex. She is broke and worried about her family; focusing on two-year old Ziggy who has ear infections. I had to google how much this ear tube surgery costs because Indie makes it sound like the end of the world. It’s $2K. In fact many of my friends’ children have had it and it wasn’t a big deal. I get that they are supposed to be barely getting by, but it’s not like the kid needs a liver transplant.
Indie is pretty gross and, in my opinion, deserved Alex. This girl was so worried that he was going to snort coke that she went to the bathroom and didn’t use soap. Are you kidding me? You think that the 30 additional seconds it would take to wash with soap will be thing that sends him back to drugs?
Also, can we take a moment to discuss her cracked screen? We have all cracked our screen and it costs $50 to fix. She complains the entire book about how she can’t get photos of her family and Alex BUYS HER A LAPTOP, but not a new screen. Even after her first paycheck she didn’t get it fixed, but she finally goes and gets a new one because broken things remind her of Alex and she can’t continue to look at a broken screen… I can’t believe that she is a reasonable human at this point, nor can I take anything seriously in this book.
I won’t go over the plot because I think Teagan nailed it. If anyone gets bored I have tons of ideas about turning this into a drinking game.
Let us know what you thought of Midnight Blue in the comments!